On Sunday afternoon I went to the dog park. It was my second time. Having grown up in the suburbs, I'd never seen a dog park until two weekends ago, when the weather was miraculously warm for a mid-November afternoon and I decided to go running near my apartment complex. I ventured into the park at the end of the running trail and lo and behold, it was a field full of dogs!! It was amazing! There was an area for little dogs only, and an area for big dogs, and all the dogs were off leashes and just running around like God intended them to XD
The little dog area was fun, but there was some dog bullying going on. A tiny little dog that looked more like a large rabbit than a canine was being harrassed by a gray terrier. (I'm going to have to learn actual dog names, I'm a real dog poser right now lol). Little white dog was yipping unhappily in response to Gray dog accosting it, and Gray dog chased it around in circles while I looked accusatorily at all the humans standing around the little dog area to see who was not being a responsible dog steward.
Big dog area was like Jurassic Park. Great Danes lumbered around, almost taller than me, and the dogs ran around almost like they were playing an organized sport. All they were missing was a black and white checked soccer ball.
I tried not to linger too much. I don't want to seem creepy, like an old man at a playground. I felt like it was only a matter of time before a kindergarten teacher came up to me and asked me if I was with any of the dogs. lol I craned my neck as if I were looking for someone I knew, and after casually walking around the perimeter of the dog park a few times I headed back home.
So in the midst of studying for all the major exams I took in the past few weeks, I saw a ridiculous video on Youtube that my friend had linked on Facebook.
It's a video of a goat walking a tightrope, with a monkey riding on its back, at what appears to be a circus. <Spoiler alert!> The goat climbs a ladder, gingerly walks on a tightrope, does a 180 turn at the end of the tightrope, then stands on a vase on the tightrope (on top of which it does a 360 degree turn) and then at the end, the monkey does a handstand on the goat's head. I showed this video to tons of people, and of course everyone was amazed, incredulous, and skeptical about its authenticity. As ridiculous as it is... it suddenly occurred to me: I am the tightrope-walking goat, and the only reason I can walk that tightrope is because of the grace of God!!! (I know this is a ridiculous comparison, but I'm pretty ridiculous to begin with.)
I struggled a lot this past quarter; it was probably one of the hardest times in my life. Wharton is a very quantitatively oriented school, and math is my weakest subject. It does not come readily to me; it takes me a long time to grasp concepts that come naturally and instantaneously to the former investment bankers and finance gurus here. I'm taking the full core curriculum, in all its extremely quantitative glory, plus two extra courses for the foreign language program I'm in. There were a lot of times where I felt hopeless, inadequate, completely overwhelmed, and I really doubted whether I belonged here. I gave reassuring speeches to other first years going through similar crises, telling them with certainty that "Wharton admissions doesn't make mistakes; they wouldn't let anyone in here if they couldn't handle the workload," but even as I said those words, I didn't know if I could believe them for myself.
I studied harder than I ever had in my life, but still my classmates outperformed me. Wharton has something called the Lowest Tenth designation; if you are in the bottom 10th percentile of your class for a total of five credit units worth of classes, they ask you to leave. I lived (and still live) in fear of the LT!! During my finals I despaired, and I prayed that God would give me the wisdom to pass my courses and stay out of the Lowest Tenth. God, I worked so hard to get in here, but why did You open the door to bring me here if I'm going to fail out??
In the Old Testament of the Bible, Abraham and Sarah believed God when He told them they would have a child, even though Sarah was almost a hundred years old and it seemed physically impossible. But just as He promised, miraculously they did have a son. I wanted to believe that anything is possible with God, but for me (a total math idiot) to survive here academically without getting kicked out?? One day I just bawled. God, I want to believe You are almighty, but are You really powerful enough to help someone as bad at math as me to pass this impossibly difficult economics class, one that historically 25 students fail each year? (And what about the three other quantitative classes I'm also taking at the same time??) Lord, I want to have faith but I don't think I have anymore left. It's too hard to believe. I know You can do anything, but what if Your plan for me involves letting me fail? How could I disappoint and embarrass my parents like this? I felt overwhelmed by fear of failure and disappointed at my lack of faith, but unable to believe in God's power. Thankfully, my roommate said to me, "When we don't have enough faith on our own, we need to ask God for faith!!" God doesn't promise a happy ending for us all the time, but all He wants us to do is believe that He can do anything. All we can do is believe in His all-encompassing strength, and give our best effort as an offering to Him. (Whether you eat, drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. -1 Corinthians 10:31.) My sister said, "If you fail, it's okay. God still loves you and so do we." I asked many friends to pray for my exams.
And then I passed my Economics class. And I managed to escape the Lowest Tenth for my Stats class. (Other grades are still coming in, not totally out of the woods yet, but safe for now!) Q1 is the hardest because it has the most quant (ALL of the classes are math-heavy, but it's supposed to get better from here on out). I couldn't have done this on my own - I don't have the discipline to study, and my brain doesn't understand the concepts. And I thought - God has brought me here to build my faith, to prove to me that He is almighty and with Him anything really is possible. Jesus walked on water. With God... even I can pass advanced managerial economics!! Clearly He iscapable of anything, and there is no reason to rule anything out - there is always hope even when things seem impossible.
The only reason I can survive here (and study hard instead of folding like a house of cards) is because of God's grace. I know that I have worth because I am a beloved child of God. I can be confident because I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image, and I have gifts that He has given me to fulfill my purpose in life. He brought me to this school, so all I need to do is look to God, give my best as an offering to Him, and trust that He has a perfect plan that will prosper me. There is nothing to fear, not even failing out of school - I have a savior in Jesus Christ, I know that my future is secure because He has a plan for me. I now truly believe: "With God, all things are possible!!" (Matthew 19:26) I am a goat, but because of God... even I can learn to walk a tight rope =)
It's a beautiful day: After a first quarter filled with self-doubt, self-loathing, and general uncertainty plus occasional regret, I finally got some closure. After getting a somewhat ambiguous score on the econ final (how our final grades are actually calculated is a giant mystery - the final decision on whether or not a student passes is apparently made through a meeting of the econ profs factoring not only test scores but student effort), I emailed my economics professor and he told me my scores were good enough to pass. HALLELUJAH!!! Thank you for your prayers, God was clearly at work. (More on this later) I spent so much time asking other first years if they thought I would pass, and people drew all kinds of charts and graphs explaining their personal theories on how grade distributions at Wharton work, but I've learned that the only sure thing to do is go straight to the source. I got the email from my prof just as I was about to head out to a day long recruiting event, and as I walked down the street the air seemed crisper - a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders!!!
Econ Final Exam Grade mix-up: Through some sort of catastrophic error, three hours after the econ final exam grades were posted for students, an email from faculty went out saying that the grades posted were incorrect and that the correct grades had been reposted. Isn't that awful!? It's so traumatic!! All scenarios are pretty bad: some people got high scores and rejoiced only to discover hours later that they had actually failed, and some people got low scores and were depressed for hours ("Why am I even here at Wharton") before discovering that they had actually done just fine. Personally, I think the worst scenario is getting a bad score and getting the "just kidding email" only to get the SAME score the second time ^^;; One guy in my class got a good score the first time and got an even BETTER score the second time! What a jerk. lol I missed all the drama because I resolved not to check my econ grade until after I had taken the accounting midterm, so I have no war stories to tell about The Great MGEC Mixup.
Recruiting season hits: Like fall leaves change color, so does student attire. Before recruiting, we were all dressed in flip flops and t-shirts. Now that recruiting has startd, on any given day half my class is in jeans, sneakers, and fleeces, and the other half is dressed in full suits. It's really weird.
SEPTA on strike: Philly public transport goes dark. No buses, just cabs and lots of walking. Fortunately I live relatively close to school, but people who live farther out are doing a lot of cabbing. I am pretty bitter about the fact that I am a slow walker and get passed on the sidewalk regularly on my way to school (like slow cars in the right lane get passed). It doesn't matter how athletic my shoes are and how fast I walk. I blame it on the fact that I'm short, but I get outpaced by shorter people too. Booo... XD
Quarter Two officially starts tomorrow, mere seconds after Quarter One ended with a bang with the MGEC Final today. (Managerial Economics aka MGEC pronounced "magic"). MGEC: the most failed class at Wharton, and the source of endless jokes ("This is what you came to school for, to learn wizardry"). Should mention that the material covered in this class includes theory by John Nash, aka the mathematician played by Russell Crowe in "A Beautiful Mind." Yes, the one who was clinically insane, and that's why he was able to come up with the stuff that we had to learn!!
Quarter One Highlights: - Seeing my cohortmates dressed as a) Ninja Turtles b) giant chickens c) Spiderman at tonight's Cohort Halloween Party - Funny but unfortunate: a friend of mine who shall remain anonymous contracted H1N1 aka swine flu, and also told me that it was going around her cohort. She told me that a bunch of people were comparing symptoms, and they all figured out that they had it. (Of course, it's an awful thing to have, but it has the most ridiculous name). She told me about a guy she knew who got swine flu, and then weeks later got the regular flu!!! We sympathized but also snickered. lol - Late night study sessions in the common room of our apartment building. A group of about six of us have been living in common room for the past few weeks studying like crazy. I've officially become one of Those Asians. Grad school requires WAY more studying than undergrad did - no more catching up the last week before the final! If you don't keep up, you will get completely left behind. - Running into old faces all the time. I've run into my cousins twice now on the street, and a friend from UVA too! (Brandon) Life is funny, it amazes me how many of my good friends from the past are now in my life again because of where I am. (My friend Zac, who I never thought I'd see again outside of Japan!) I remember being really sad saying goodbye to some of them before, who knew when I would see them again - but I guess this just shows that only God knows what's in store for me. You never know where life will lead!
I already have homework to do for tomorrow!! Sigh. XD
Now that life has become an exercise in managing time and stress (who would have thought I'd ever be rationing out my time as carefully as I did my money?) I am reduced to... watching videos of puppies on youtube! Sometimes you just need a break. It's not time wasting if there are therapeutic effects XD
...AHAHA Ohhh Internet. What won't you do. The world has become a wackier place because of you. I can't even imagine how many people saw these videos and trained their own dogs for months in hopes of posting their own video. (If I were a dude and I had a dog I would TOTALLY do it lol)
Also, I told my roommate about the beer dogs, and my Learning Team group member's dog who stretches like a cat (actually it does the "Downward Dog" yoga position, which is fair since it is actually a dog) and her response was:
"I once knew a dog in Korea who could wink. I saw it. Our family friend paid $1,000 for that dog, and that was like years and years ago." (So basically you should discount that dog to find its Net Present Value.) LOL hahahahaha =D
